I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
