Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
