My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
