Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
false alarm, still single
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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