I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
