Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
