i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
