well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think my moral compass just broke
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
