I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
