I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was CRYING into my vagina
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
