man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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