Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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