It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
