hell yes lets make some ravioli
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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