I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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