I met the friendliest cop last night
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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