I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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