Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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