ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Drunk is not a location!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
