Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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