this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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