he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
