Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
