no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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