Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
