I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize