so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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