even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
