just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
