I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
