even my farts smell like vagina
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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