I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i just sent this text using only my big toe
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
