Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
