filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize