He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
