Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
