there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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