I'm laying in your front yard are you home
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
