now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
