Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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