Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
