Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
