Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
