Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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