He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
