When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
