The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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