I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize