Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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