I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
