Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
sarcasm needs its own font
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
