i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
