Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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