My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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