you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize