I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm so fucking centered right now
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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