having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
