She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
