She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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