i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
