My room smells like vodka and shame
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My underwear smells like fireworks.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
