My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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